and we're back

MR G. WOODHAMS (Greenough) [3.07 pm]: I will not spend a long time on my feet. The member for Vasse reminds me of the Muppets and Sesame Street. Today could well and truly be sponsored by the letter D - it is a disgraceful day, a doubtful day, a detritus day and a disappointing day. The disappointment I have is with members opposite. Most of us on this side of the house have at one time or another had conversations with members on the other side of the house on a range of issues. There are members on this side of the house who would consider those on the other side of the house amongst their friends and associates, with whom they can discuss a range of issues. I presume that most of us have respect for most members of this house. However, it disappoints me that those on the other side of the house do not have the respect of their own colleagues, and they certainly do not have the respect of this side of the house today because they are not defending - another letter D - their Premier in this case, and his cause of rooting out the influence of Burke and Grill in this house. [...] I invite members opposite to explain why they are not supporting their Premier and defending the case of rooting out Burke and Grill from influence in the ALP. This is a very doubtful day.

Ms A.J.G. MacTiernan: We all support it.

Mr G. WOODHAMS: I invite the Minister for Planning and Infrastructure to rise to her feet and build a case.

Ms A.J.G. MacTiernan: I can do that sitting down.

The ACTING SPEAKER: Order, minister!

Several members interjected.

The ACTING SPEAKER: Order! The member for Greenough has the floor. There is no call for conversations across the chamber. I would like to hear what the member for Greenough has to say, and I would like to hear it in relative silence.

Mr G. WOODHAMS: Perhaps I caused that disruption to proceedings by inviting interjections. If I did so, I apologise, Mr Acting Speaker.

I come from a farming background, for which I make no apology. This government reminds me of an old ewe that has secondary fly strike and is riddled with maggots, and even though it has the ability to cure itself, it is taking absolutely no opportunity to do that. Mr Acting Speaker (Mr A.P. O’Gorman), I have read your comment in the paper that you would prefer that the circumstances with regard to Hon Shelley Archer were resolved by having her removed from the Australian Labor Party. Some other members opposite would do well to have the same amount of courage.

Mr R.F. Johnson: The member for Kimberley might want to say something about Hon Shelley Archer, because, as the member knows, she wants the member for Kimberley’s seat!

Mrs C.A. Martin: That is really nasty! I like my seat!

Mr G. WOODHAMS: It is wonderful to chart the progress of the good ship ALP as it staggers from rock to rock and begins to sink. It would seem, though, that the crew of the good ship ALP are about to jump off the ship and leave the rat on board! Hon Shelley Archer is currently still in a position to take her seat in the upper house when it resumes. I advised the Premier earlier that he might like to use Ratsac on that honourable member. If the Premier does not want to take that advice, perhaps he will send the honourable member to “Burketown” in the “Gulf of Carpenteria” -

Several members interjected.

Mr G. WOODHAMS: I am glad members finally got it - Carpenteria!

Subject: Premier - Censure for Failure to Condemn Hon Shelley Archer [Legislative Assembly - Motion]

Date: 1 March 2007

Hansard reference: pp. 234c - 241a [online (pdf)]

Tags: parliament, state government, brian burke, wa, perth

Email intuition

Mr T.G. STEPHENS: Leaving aside the 3 000-odd e-mails I have received - I could not find in the e-mail river any from people within my electorate. I have been scanning through them as best I can. By and large, I believe they are not people from my electorate who are involved in this electronic campaign.

Mr M.W. Trenorden: What average of those people would e-mail you and me?

Mr T.G. STEPHENS: I do not mind people doing it.

Mr M.W. Trenorden: It collapses my whole office.

Mr T.G. STEPHENS: I do not mind.

Mr M.W. Trenorden: I’ve got one electorate to look after.

The ACTING SPEAKER: Order, members!

Mr T.G. STEPHENS: It is a historic thing; it is unprecedented campaigning in my experience of this place. In 25 years in Parliament I have never seen us experiencing this type of electronic campaign which -

Mr G. Woodhams: Intimidation.

Mr T.G. STEPHENS: No, no, it is not intimidation.

Mr G. Woodhams: Soft-headed modernism!

Mr T.G. STEPHENS: Welcome to the modern world, member! Expect more of it and in big numbers. If anything, those people who are organising our Internet system will need to devise methods for us to conduct electronic business while simultaneously having the opportunity, off to the side, to receive this type of lobbying. I expect we will get more of it.

Mr M.W. Trenorden: Just dump it. Hit the dump button.

Mr T.G. STEPHENS: That is 3 000 hit buttons to get that dump button. There is another way of doing it and most members have worked out how to do it. One puts it across into a discrete area of one’s e-mail. One can see it there growing and every now and then when one wants to have a look, one can do so.

Mr M.J. Birney: You can also do something crazy like read them! How do you know if they are from your electorate if you do not read them?

Several members interjected.

The ACTING SPEAKER: Order, members!

Mr T.G. STEPHENS: I think I have been digressed!

Subject: Daylight Saving Bill (no. 2) 2006 [Legislative Assembly - Standing Orders -- Suspension]

Date: 31 October 2006

Hansard reference: pp. 7886b - 7952a [online (pdf)]

Tags: parliament, state government, perth, wa, dst, daylight savings

An independent?

MR B.S. WYATT (Victoria Park) [4.35 pm]: I do not propose to speak for a great length of time. I will make a few points simply because of the public feedback that I, like all members of Parliament, have received. What surprised me initially about the Daylight Saving (No. 2) Bill 2006 is the response that I have received from members of my electorate and from people all over the state. It is quite clear from the many e-mails that we have all received that this bill has a personal impact on everybody. Every time I have spoken to somebody, I have been given different views. I note that the member for Mindarie referred to different family members who have different views. I have been quite heavily pressured by my mother to vote against this bill.

Mr G. Woodhams: Your mother cares for you.

Mr B.S. WYATT: She does care for me.

Mr D.F. Barron-Sullivan: I hope she lives in the electorate.

Mr B.S. WYATT: She does live in the electorate and, like 2 000 other people who live in the electorate, will not be voting for me again if I support this bill. However, I do not think she voted for me the first time. That is perhaps not a loss. However, I will be voting in support of this bill.

Ms K. Hodson-Thomas: Shall we send her a copy of your speech?

Mr B.S. WYATT: She will be reading it. This bill does have some significance for the people of Victoria Park. The last three referendums on daylight saving have been relatively close.

Dr K.D. Hames: What does your dad think?

Mr B.S. WYATT: He supports me whatever I do.

Subject: Daylight Saving Bill (no. 2) 2006 [Legislative Assembly - Standing Orders -- Suspension]

Date: 31 October 2006

Hansard reference: pp. 7886b - 7952a [online (pdf)]

Tags: parliament, state government, perth, wa, dst, daylight savings

Just Greenough

Mr G. WOODHAMS: [...] Beyondblue, the national depression initiative, strongly supports this suggestion that I make. I will quote from beyondblue -

While the rate at which mental disorders occur does not differ greatly between metropolitan, rural and remote populations, the likelihood of professional help being sought is lowest among men living away from big cities.

I apologise for my ringing mobile phone, Mr Speaker.

Mr M.P. Murray: Twenty bucks.

Ms M.M. Quirk: It’s your mum again!

Mr G. WOODHAMS: I think it is Mr Kennett.

A member: I think it’s a point of order.

Mr G. WOODHAMS: It was Mr Kennett, Mr Speaker. The reference to beyondblue was an instant line to him!

Subject: Mental Health Services - Rural and Regional Areas [Legislative Assembly - Grievance]

Date: 31 May 2006

Hansard reference: pp. 3314b - 3317a [online (pdf)]

Tags: wa, state government, perth, parliament

Anthemic Greenough for you?

MR G.A. WOODHAMS (Greenough) [10.13 pm]: I notice in this house that there is often some licence to use certain language to express points of view. I choose to take licence to express a particular point of view about the Australian anthem, Advance Australian Fair. Perhaps our learned friends on the other side of the house would like to rewrite the national anthem to become Advance Australia Equal! It could be rendered: “Australians, let us all rejoice, for 57 seats have we; golden soil and wealth for toil, our home is girt by sea.” Members should feel free to sing along if they know the words. “Our land abounds in nature’s gifts of beauty rich and rare, and history’s page at every stage, Advance Australia Equal. In joyful strains then let us sing Advance Australia Equal. When gallant Gallop from Geraldton sailed to trace wide oceans over, false courage bore him on, till he landed back on our shore. Then here he raised old Labor’s flag, the standard of the red, with all his faults we love Jim still, one vote, one value rules the wave! In joyful strains then let us sing Advance Australia Equal. Beneath our radiant Parliament House, we’ll toil with hearts and hands, to make this city-state of ours, renowned of all the lands. For those who’ve come across the seas, we’ve boundless electorates to share, with courage let them all be combined, to advance Australia equal. In joyful strains then let us sing Advance Australia Equal.”

Subject: One Vote One Value Bill 2005 [Legislative Assembly - Second Reading]

Date: 5 April 2005

Hansard reference: pp. 266b - 345b [online (pdf)]

Tags: wa, state government, perth, parliament, greenough

I... have no words.

Mr G. WOODHAMS to the Minister Assisting the Minister for Education and Training:
I acknowledge the presence in the house today of students from Nagle Catholic College and Mt Tarcoola Primary School.

It is with some trepidation that I ask this question in bakery parlance, because the person to whom I am about to address my question is more like a mud cake to my matchstick presence.

Several members interjected.

Mr G. WOODHAMS: It should be a process of self-identification, Mr Speaker. No-one knows who I am talking about yet. My question without notice is to the Minister Assisting the Minister for Education and Training. Given small business concerns, particularly in the mid-west, about shortening the length of apprenticeships from four to two years and the subsequent drain of trainees to the mining industry and other parts of the state as a result of the resources boom, I ask -

(1) Is the minister aware that Geraldton’s biggest employer of engineer apprentices, D-Trans Motor Body Builders and General Engineers, now refuses to hire new apprentices because it is not receiving a long-term return from its investment?

(2) Will the minister consider a bonding program to ensure that businesses do not lose apprentices after underwriting their training?

(3) What other initiatives does the minister propose to help small businesses retain trained apprentices in the mid-west?

Mr N.R. MARLBOROUGH replied:

(1)-(3) The mud cake has arrived.

Ms A.J.G. MacTiernan: You are so tasty!

Several members interjected.

The SPEAKER: Order!

Mr N.R. MARLBOROUGH: Even I am turning red.

Subject: Apprentices - Retention by Employers [Legislative Assembly]

Date: 31 May 2006

Hansard reference: pp. 3342b-3343a [online (pdf)]

That's Greenough

DR S.C. THOMAS (Capel) [3.55 pm]: I thank you, Madam Deputy Speaker, for the opportunity to debate the Premier’s Statement. I, like everybody else, congratulate the member for Willagee on his rise to the top. Actually, I congratulate the member for Geraldton for being appointed to the most important job and the member for Willagee for being appointed to the second most important job. I am sure that the member for Geraldton will gradually move down those benches as time goes by. The member for Greenough referred to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He compared himself to him -

Mr G.A. Woodhams: He is my twin!

Dr S.C. THOMAS: The member for Greenough said that he was not like Arnold Schwarzenegger, so I was wondering whether it meant he will not be back! That was a little aside for the entertainment of the massive crowd here today!

Subject: Premier's Statement [Legislative Assembly - Consideration -- Motion]

Date: 9 March 2006

Hansard reference: pp. 222b - 242a [online (pdf)]

Tags: wa, state government, perth, parliament, schwarzenegger

Greenough said...

66. Mr G.A. WOODHAMS to the minister representing the Minister for Education and Training:

Before I ask this question I acknowledge the presence in the public gallery of some of the constituents from the seat of Merredin. I welcome them to the house.

I refer to a media statement of 11 April 2003 in which the previous Minister for Education and Training, Hon Alan Carpenter, promised to “revolutionise remote learning” by installing specialised telecommunication systems in the homes of all children studying through the School of the Air and Schools of Isolated and Distance Education at no cost to families.

[... asks six part question ...]

The SPEAKER: Order! I think most people in this place would consider that question far too long. If the member for Greenough wants detailed answers to questions such as those, he might like to consider putting his questions on notice. I presume notice of the question has been given.

Mr A.J. CARPENTER replied:

Some notice has been given of the question. It is an absolute delight for me to be asked a question by the member for Greenough. Is it the new member for Greenough’s first question in Parliament? I will not bore the house, but I find it interesting. We go back a long way. He was my school captain when I started my first year in high school at Albany High School. An explanation attached to this question is building! He and I have known each other for years; we worked together at the ABC and Channel 7 when it was called TVW 7 - a magnificent place to work in those days. More importantly, we were members of a very inclusive band of supporters of Subiaco Football Club who went to every home and away game. When we were contemplating what were the silliest things to yell out, he rose to the occasion with a cry that has not been surpassed and yelled out - he might want to finish this - “Oobie, doobie” -

Mr G.A. Woodhams: Come on Subi!

Several members interjected.

Mr A.J. CARPENTER: No catchcry has ever taken root like that. It echoes around the grounds of the WAFL today, even though no-one is there to yell it out! The players are waiting for it! Where is it? It was absolutely magnificent.

I asked the member for Greenough to please ask me a question. Consistent with his character, he has asked six questions, none of which I can answer, even though, to be fair, he gave notice at 12.10 pm today! I am no longer the Minister for Education and Training, and I know that is regretted by 25 000-odd state school teachers; they lie awake at night wishing I was back, just as I wish for the echoes of “Oobie, doobie”!

Subject: Home-Based Remote Students [Legislative Assembly - Questions Without Notice]

Date: 7 April 2005

Hansard reference: pp. 551b - 551b [online (pdf)]

Tags: greenough, carpenter, subi, parliament, perth, state government, wa

I'm guessing you didn't like "budget pie".

Mr F.M. LOGAN: I suggest the member for Greenough shut up; he is a boofhead.

Mr G. Woodhams: Thank you for being polite, member.

Mr F.M. LOGAN: He should just shut up; he is not making sense at all.

Subject: Daylight Saving Bill (No. 2) 2006 [Legislative Assembly - Standing Orders - Suspension]

Date: 31 October 2006

Hansard reference: pp. 7886b - 7952a [online (pdf)]

Effervescent, or, more than Greenough?

Ms J.A. RADISICH: [...] It is my opinion that fizzy drinks do not have a place in schools. I am sure some people will disagree with me. Some schools have said that their canteens need to sell junk food and fizzy drinks to make money. It is not an acceptable argument. I put it to the government that if it is the case that this issue is about providing funding to schools rather than what kids are eating, it becomes a separate issue that needs consideration.

Mr A.D. McRae: What sort of fizzy drinks are you talking about?

Ms J.A. RADISICH: I thank the member for Riverton for asking.

Ms K. Hodson-Thomas: Did you prompt him?

Ms J.A. RADISICH: No, I did not. However, he did well.

I looked at the nutritional content, or lack thereof, of some fizzy drinks that currently are available in some schools. It is cause for great alarm, which I will demonstrate. For example, Coca-Cola and Sprite are common drinks that are available to children at some schools, drinks that I am sure many members have ingested on occasion. Members know that Sprite and Coke have a high sugar content. It is something in the order of 16 teaspoons of sugar in just one can of drink. Professor Dingle from Murdoch University has stated that if we stopped drinking two cans of these drinks per day, we would all lose half a kilo per month.

Mr G. Woodhams: I will disappear!

Ms J.A. RADISICH: The member for Greenough needs to keep drinking them, but the rest of us could probably cut back.

Subject: Appropriation (Consolidated Fund) Bill (no. 1) 2006 [Legislative Assembly Second Reading - Cognate Debate]

Date: 17 May 2006

Hansard reference: pp. 2794b - 2848a [online (pdf)]

Tags: parliament, perth, state government, wa, fizzy drinks, soft drinks

Greenough is Greenough

Yesterday, the daylight saving bill was finally accepted by the Legislative Assembly. In memoriam of a sane time zone, I thought I'd share another one of the member for Greenough's brilliant compositions:

Mr G. WOODHAMS: [...] During my browsing in the National Gallery of Australia and the National Library, I came across, not unexpectedly, a poem dedicated to daylight saving. It was written by that well-known poet or poetess - not Dorothea Mackellar. The poem is called I Love A Sunburn Daily -

The love of beaches and stubbies
Of chardonnays by the pool
And doing deals in Sydney
With Coles and Woolies too
Strong love of wearing raybans
While driving in your Govvie car
I know but cannot share it
Because this time you’ve gone too far

See I love a sunburn daily
An extra hour will not work
The last time we were asked to try it
We were still recovering from Premier Burke
I love my faded curtains
And cows producing latte
My clock on Western Standard Time
And more bloody hours at Bunnings on Sunday

The tragic Labor government
And those swingers Matt and Johnny D
Long lunches with revenge intent
Giving Eric an extra hour to spend our surplus. Free.
Let the Greens tangle in the upper house
Where the Ljiljannas coil,
And trendies deck the lounges
After a hard day’s toil

Core of my heart, my rolex
Her ticking body so sweet
Mum and Dad rolling around in the morning
There’s a scene hard to beat

Mrs D.J. Guise: That’s too much information!

Mr G. WOODHAMS: Members will read into this bill what they want to read into it; that is what I have been hearing throughout the debate! The poem further reads -

But then the clockheads gather
And we can bless again
The dopey daylight savers
Who haven’t got a brain

Core of my heart, my cheap imitation bought in Thailand Rolex
In this land that time forgot
An extra hour every day,
And Carpy wants the lot.
We now have one fat time zone
All lined up with the Congo
Even the Mandurah line can run on time
With Alannah the Station Master keeping time on the bongo

The filmy veil of woopy weed
That thickens in the air
Pot smokers another hour to burn and indulge in vacant stare.
A summer of endless daytime
No clock to hold her back
This wilful, lavish land sucking mid strength
Can’t catch a taxi, mate they’re enjoying the sunset at Cottesloe
And the flag fall will set you back.

Mr Acting Speaker, this is the last, I think very important, verse of one of Dorothea’s lost poems -

All you who have not loved her,
Daylight savers You don’t understand -
Though sunburn holds many splendours,
And of it when I die,
I know to what Time Zone
My homing thoughts will fly.

Mr Acting Speaker, I am in an emphatic mode; maybe you did not gather that. Maybe some of the soft-headed modernists, as I refer to them, on either side of the house do not understand it, either.

There was a forum in ancient Rome, during the Roman Empire, known as the senate, in which there were several Caesars. Members may know about the senate and about Caligula, who appointed his horse as his successor emperor.

Mr R.C. Kucera: A bit like the leadership of the Liberal Party!

Mr G. WOODHAMS: The member may be correct, and I will not dispute him on that note.

Subject: DAYLIGHT SAVING BILL (NO 2) 2006 (WA Legislative Assembly)

Date: Tuesday, 31 October 2006

Hansard reference: pp. 7886b - 7952a (online (PDF))

The world is not Greenough

MR G. WOODHAMS (Greenough) [5.27 pm]: It gives me great pleasure to have the opportunity to reply to the Treasurer’s budget speech. This is perhaps an appropriate gathering, as there is an intimate number of people in the chamber, and it is a suitable venue to provide some inspiration and thought, and perhaps also some provocation.

Mr R.F. Johnson: I disagree!

Mr G. WOODHAMS: I will pay the member for Hillarys afterwards! With all due respect to Don McLean and his epic song American Pie, I present to members this evening an ode to the budget, “Budget Pie”-

A long, long time ago . . .
I can still remember
How the budget used to make me smile.

And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make the country dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for awhile

But the Treasurer made me shiver
With that sad paper he did deliver.
Mandurah rail was the headline
Putting more people on the breadline.

I can’t remember if I cried
When I saw the Treasurer talk about this ride
But something touched me deep inside
The day the budget died.

So bye-bye, divide up the pie.
Drove my Hyundai to service station
But the cost was too high.
And them good old Labor boys were ridin’ nigh
Singin’, “Mandurah rail or I die.
“Mandurah rail or I die.”

Did you write the rail dept off?
And do you have faith in Kym above,
If the Budget tells you so?

Do you believe in standard gauge,
Can ticket inspectors save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to tunnel real slow?

Well, I know that you’re insane
’cause I saw you sittin’ on the train.
You both had come from caucus
A ripper of a budget had made you raucus.

I was a lovely middle age Nats’ buck
Wearing my houndstooth jacket driving a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck,
The day the budget was . . . deep fried.

So, bye-bye, divide up the pie.”
Drove my school bus to the primary,
But it was closed for all times.
Them Labor boys were drinkin’ Chablis Dry
And singin’, Mandurah Rail or I die.
Mandurah Rail or I die.”

Now for six years they’ve spending the large
Throwing money on the city like there was no charge,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When real electorates were provided for all
Not one vote one value tricking the soul
But a vote that came from you and me,

But while the people were looking down,
The budget stole every small town.
Parliament was adjourned;
No money was returned.

And the Premier spoke to the Legislative Clerk
Jim, John, and Eric practiced in the park,
And western Power left us in the dark
The day the budget died.

We were singing,
“bye-bye, budget pie.”
Caught the ambulance to the hospital
But no beds could I spy.
Them Labor girls were demanding portfolios from guys
And singin’, “Mandurah Rail or I die.
Mandurah Rail and I die.”

Helter skelter in a spending swelter.
The Ministers flew off to the Mandurah shelter,
Thirty miles long and failing fast.

The budget landed foul as it was cast
The back bench tried for a forward pass,
But their voices were muffled, the votes already past.

Now the budget speech was sad, obscene
While the front bench played with a train set keen
We all got up to speak,
The situation was bleak!
’cause the house battled to hold a quorum
The big 2 billion spend on boredom
Clickety Clack Clickety Clack Clickety Clack
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the budget died?

We started singing,
“bye-bye, divide up the pie.”
I’m riding my horse to the levee,
But the Yarragadee was dry.

The Labor were saving for tickets to buy
And singin’, Mandurah Rail or I die.
Mandurah Rail or I die.”

There they were . . . all in one place,
Generation Labor lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jackhammer be nimble, jackhammer be quick!
Jackhammer under the causeway and be damn quick
Cause surplus is the Ministers only friend.

And as I watched her on the toil
Justifying blowouts like a kettle will boil
No angel born in hell
Could break that Ministers spell.
And as the figures climbed high into the night
To light the railway station light,
I saw the Premier laughing with delight
The day the budget died

He was singing,
“bye-bye, budget pie.”
Drove my govvy car to the footy
But the Dockers made me cry.

The back room deals caught me on the fly
singin’, “Mandurah Rail or I die.
“Mandurah Rail or I die.”

I met a member who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just said return or one way
I went down to the sacred floor
Where I’d heard the budget years before,
But the man there said the Treasurer wouldn’t pay.

And in the streets: the children screamed,
Nothing for them and the places they dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The spirit of the future broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
Couldn’t catch the train to the coast
Still not finished, another blowout at the Minister’s roast.

And they were singing,
“bye-bye, divide up the pie.”
Drove my solar powered yacht to the Swan,
As a salt slug went by.
Under the river the tunnel workers were dry.
Singin’, “Mandurah Rail or I die.
Mandurah Rail or I die.”

They were singing,
“bye-bye, we’ve eaten the pie.”
Drove the train to the station,
As the Labor Party went by
Their near sited leaders were drinking diet coke - you want fries with that? - with a sigh
Singin’ their new mantra, “Mandurah Rail or I die.”
Mandurah Rail or I die.

Several members interjected.

Mr G. WOODHAMS: That was a one-off performance. Many members will appreciate that it will not be repeated.

[...]

Mr G. WOODHAMS: [...] I seek leave for an extension of time.

[Member’s time extended.].

Mr R.F. Johnson: Only if you tell us the poem again!

Mr G. WOODHAMS: A long, long time ago - I can still remember it! It is only a monotone, which matches my “monoceps”. That is the way I am cast.

Subject: Appropriation (Consolidated Fund) Bill (no. 1) 2006 [Legislative Assembly, second reading, cognate debate]

Date: 17 May 2006

Hansard reference: pp. 2794b - 2848a [online (pdf)]

Tags: budget, budget pie, don mclean, parody, parliament, perth, state government, wa